Inside

On bended knee,

I come to You, Lord,

with my head resting on Your door,

in remorse,

in guilt;

I surrender myself,

alone,

inside this empty cell.

There is no refuge in the visitor’s corner,

sitting in this glass room,

wearing this orange suit,

holding a receiver to my ear,

as if the sound of another’s voice

will bring me solace,

but there is no peace –

I am missing life outside;

I go seek the life inside.

I have been here before,

too many times to count;

the marked scratches say it all,

but now, in my final hour,

I seek redemption,

for my sins and crimes.

I stay awake,

pacing back and forth,

listening to the eco of my thoughts

between empty walls;

everything is cold and lifeless –

his ghost still haunts me,

toying around with my tarnished morality.

I had no father,

that taught me right from wrong;

no mother,

that would keep waiting for me,

all night long.

My heart cried from a deep loneliness;

I found no comfort,

in the dried up tears on my pillow;

there was no joy in bare windows – 

I was stuck,

inside.

So, I shattered the glass;

I raged;

I punched;

I broke all but one of Your commandments;

I drowned innocent minds in red rivers,

and watched my hands bleed from sorrow,

while my tongue wailed for mercy –

I found none,

inside.

I kept on raging,

causing mayhem on every block I walked,

losing myself in a complex of homes –

each unit more deprived than the next.

I treaded lonely streets,

watched everyone retreat from fear;

Menace was my name,

playing the Ace of Spades to my heart’s content was the game.

I remember it all;

I live with these memories,

all day long;

oh, Lord, I regret ever stepping out,

at all.

I wasted my youth on cheap currency,

and greedy souls –

what did I know?

At fifteen, I lived for the thrill,

and laughed at every rule I broke,

hoping it would fill the emptiness,

inside.

I sold my possessions,

for barely any return,

sat up contemplating afterwards,

when I realized –

the approval of strangers mattered more,

than my own happiness.

Yes, I realized all that,

but too late,

when the clock struck midnight,

I fled, and the hollowness grew;

I missed out on the comfort of home;

I longed for a complete family.

So restless I was in my desire,

so indecisive,

retracing old memories,

looking for clues,

for an escape from this ache,

inside.

I changed the layout of my room,

rearranged everything in my sight,

looking for order,

a sense of normality,

of finally fitting in.

I walked between shields,

but I was a child still,

yearning for a good night kiss.

My voice projected across all,

yet, the lost boy inside,

still searched for the missing piece.

So, I come to You, Lord,

on bended knee, alone,

looking through to the other side,

of this empty cell.

I do not find myself weak –

there is no need for sympathy,

nor am I a fool –

I do not seek any pity.

This is my final plea:

I found myself too late,

tomorrow my jury will decide,

but, You, alone, will be my last judge.

Oh, Lord,

I seek repentance,

here,

now,

in my final moments,

inside.

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